Sunday, April 20, 2014

All Of a Sudden I was In Love With The World

Once upon a time it was dark and lonely, then I woke up.
Once upon a time I woke up and I was in love in love with myself.

I could have any job I wanted, and I did.
    I was a professional bad ass.  
I could conquer all of my fears, and I did.
    Searching a burning building blinded is far less scary than a being married to the wrong guy.
I could have any guy I wanted, and I did.
    Sheer confidence is the hottest thing I have ever worn.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a moonpie adventurer.
He was hot as hell, and looked just like me.
This went along well with my recent crush on myself,
Though it weirded out some of my friends.
"Dude! You look related!"
Um, no. He looks like a sexy dude version of me.
Totally different.
Totally hot.
We flew to the moon and back through each others eyes,
Until one day he looked at me funny, and ended it.

So there was only one thing I could do.
I woke up the next day, ready for the next challenge.
Hello world! I am here for adventure!
Bring it! 
Oh hey, Look at you, long haired hippie HVAC repair man,
walking all sexy into the post office.
I had not previously noticed your extreme levels of hotness.
Tag!
You are It!

But every time I set my eyes on something new,
There my goodbye lover was,
Making sad moon eyes at me.
Because once upon a time, the moonpie wouldn't let me go.

What in the hail is your problem?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Why are your arms wrapped around mine,
As I listen to Willie Nelson sing about love
And simper over a sauce in my bachelorette kitchen?
And
Why do you keep showing up here, giving me that look?
"Because I am in love with you."
And you broke up with me.

Once upon a time the moonpie answered.
Then the earth fell out from under my feet,
Not from launching my dreams,
but having my dream, the one I was living in, snatched  away.
I believed I was strong.
I knew I could have anything I wanted.
I knew I could do anything and everything I set my heart on.
No one could stop me!

Once upon a time the moonpie looked down at his feet as he told me
"Your butt is too big."
My what is what?
"Your butt is too big. Especially in proportion to your boobs."
I...
My...?
And then he kissed me, and told me maybe he could live with it.
He loved me, not my ass.
Why why why why why baby 
If its so evil then?*

Damn it took forever to get rid of that moonpie.

For the record, I love my butt.  
It takes me everywhere I want to go.

My Favorite Mode Of Travel is By The Seat Of My Pants. ~LJ Schorr


*This post was written while listening to various versions of Jesus Built My Hotrod. 






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