On Snow and Metaphysics

the storm has come in
done its part
the pressure lifts.
snow is on the ground
and the sun is shinning again.
with my toy pup i venture out.
we are running
waving to neighbors as i take in the cold air
the tiny little sacks in my lungs which help disperse oxygen from my bronchioli into my bloods stream pulsate and burn with life.
i am alive
i am running
i am burning
i am here
right now
don't need to prove anything
cuz i am in the air,
and a large part of the universe is alive inside my skin.

12-06-2007

I've Got A Red Hot Meteor Inside My Soul

I am sure I can not continue to live
the meteor is going to crash through the wall at any moment
and destroy my pain.
I stand herefor such a long while
waiting for something bigger to happen
something biggerand different then this.
The meteor comes not to annihilate me
instead the fiery alien rock
burns into my chest
replacing my suspended heart.
I wonder how it is
that I am forced to keep walking in this world
with a rock in my chest?
I feel hard and lonely
mixed with nothing and despairon the inside.
After a few days
I start to feel the deep and ancient warmth of this alien stone
caring for my warm blood and life force
as it patiently waits for me to wake up.
My body is getting warmer every day
in preparation
to live sing and dance
not just once more;
Like I never have before.

11-02-2007

My Albatross is an Empty Box

I floated out to a new world
on a paddle boat of excuses
lashed together with an inability to let go
made buoyant by an impenetrable arms length
of bubble wrap, wax and
imaginary kittens kept around another's heart.
I adjusted my sail
made out of the sensitive skin
shed when the rest flew away
stretched across the bones
which promised they would support my every move
they still do

The new land is green blue
brown and red
varied
lush
providing me with all I need
with promises never to live up to my expectations

Time stops for a moment as I contemplate
and appreciate my mode travel
I see it for its good and change
what I have made it into- loving it all the same
I launch my skiff into the largest
swiftest river
screaming with passion and joy at the newness and danger of it all
and look forward

My home is on the river.

LJS
09-28-07

Mmm, Phishy Phish!

Phish vs The Grateful Dead: I was too busy listening to Industrial music and carving a trench in my soul, to get into the dead when they were touring. I never saw them live, so I do not have that most pure experience to reference. Recently I took the time to open my mind and ears to both Jam Bands. I like Phish better. If you are the type of person to tell me that my personal taste in music is inappropriate, or even heresy, I am pretty sure Jerry himself would tell you to ef off. Music is experienced differently by everyone, and I'll be damned if I pretend I like something better, just because it is trendy.
09-19-2007

Is that the Acid or just the Autism?

Well meaning ass holes constantly approach his mother in public comment on what they view as her obvious lack of parenting skills. What kind of kid throws himself on the floor in public, right? He does not look like a special needs person so it must be her fault, right? Funny how they never care enough to engage in an actual conversation. Then they would have to see the error in their judgemental ways and apologize. This blows my mind, and gives me pause. I think a bit more before I scowl at folks with loud or differently behaving children.

While his lack of empathy is the source of so many misunderstandings in his life in this instance it allows him a greater freedom.

I recently found the perfect dance partner in this Autistic child. I am used to rocking out in my own special way, but Zachary has brought so much joy into my life with his particular brand of choppy movement. His signature move is a series of downward robotic homeboy slices. No matter the size of the crowd or lack of fellow dancers, he always agrees to dance, or even asks me. He dances in earnest, in his own private world, which I am gifted in sharing. Zachary truly embraces the joy of the dance in a way that acid droppers nation wide can only dream of. I am secretly his understudy.

09-01-2007

A Little Bjork in the Morning Kicks Foldger's A$$!

A long time ago, when my world was black, I went through a phase of unceasing dissatisfaction. I had to listen to Bjork's Hyperballad (the Tibetan Freedom Concert Version) in order to get up out of bed, the tub or off the floor in the morning and continue living my colourless and spiritless life. My life was not perfect but the music was. I liked how it reminded me that material goods, like car parts and bottles and cutlery, were disposable, while relationships were not.

While more than one boi found the lyrics to be dangerous, I found them to be freeing. After living on the suicide destination of the Southwest, the rim of the Grand Canyon for five years, it was impossible for me to ignore the monumental choice I made, to live, every single morning. I imagined what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks, and invariably choose a path of endurance and adventure. My soul grew.

Now my life is my own private Hyperballad.

HYPER BALLAD
by Bjork
We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like:Car parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit
A way
To start the day
I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you
It's early morning
No one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyesBe closed or open?
I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you..

05-16-2007

OutdoorLor Vs Gauntlet of Ice

if the following entry does not make sense, blame it on my head injury. also i will not be using the shift key much as it is difficult to type with my left hand. i hope this story makes y'all laugh a little bit!
so this week has been a bit messed up, but today really topped the whole experience off for me. i have been sick with my FOURTH snotty miserable cold of the winter (why me?) since last Wednesday or so. as a result i did not feel like going out much in the wicked cold weather, but made some forays on behalf of my visiting brother's happiness. ... basically i froze my nose up for no good reason.
M had been gone for a funeral, and i was really looking forward to picking him up at 5:30 am Tuesday morning. as most of you may know, i work 4pm till 2am shifts. I decided to just stay up and clean the house and then go get M. (YEY!) I decided to take out the trash and recycle with me when i left for the airport. of course we had a wicked ice storm here and the area around the recycle bins was packed with thick uneven ice. in fact the plow had pushed extra snow which froze into even more ice into that very inconvenient spot. how am i supposed to take my trash out! i have been navigating this all week very carefully. my truck was warming up and i started carefully picking my way back towards clear pavement when i bit it pretty bad. i slipped on the ice at such an angle as to break the fall with the right side of my head, right arm and left inner knee/ankle. i heard this crunch and had hit the ground so hard that i thought it was the sound of my tooth breaking. it was actually my glasses. i got up and did my dumb ass adrenalin thing which is namely to search for my glasses, shake it off and get moving. (this would be how i ended up hiking the rest of the way down into the canyon on a fractured leg in 2003. i know, i am a tool. i just can't tell when i am hurt. i hear this is a good thing if i ever get shot though, as i will keep fighting.)
so i went and got my keys, went up to my apartment to find my extra set of glasses, and had a heck of a time finding them. i thought this was because i was flustered but apparently i just had a concussion. i drove to the airport and ended up bursting out in tears when the state trooper told me i had been sitting in one spot too long. this is not my normal reaction to things, i though i was just emotional from missing M, but it turns out that concussions make folks have emotional outbursts. when i went to drive in a circle around the airport, which i have done many times before, i somehow ended up going the wrong way and heading back into the tunnel to Boston. it turns out that i should not have been driving. but how can a person diagnose themselves with a concussion. i mean that my head was hurt, so how was i supposed to think logically? der.
so i finally picked up M. i was looking for him and called him to find out why he was not on the sidewalk. it turns out he was not only on the sidewalk, but waving at me. i stared at this dude waving at me and thought "is that M? he looks too small to be M." I finally figured out that it was indeed him and picked him up. I remember wanting to look at him and not being able to do so. i had been so excited to see him and forgot to hug or kiss him. apparently, concussions can do that to a person.
so we get home, and i am hurting all over, but mostly in my wrist. i was still pretty much ignoring M, who had decided that i must be harboring some deep secret and unable to face him. ha!
so i went to urgent care at my doctor's office today. My chief complaint was my wrist which hurts quite badly. of course the nurse practitioner ended up being way more disturbed about the blow to my head. when she asked me questions i felt fuzzy and stupid. she diagnosed me with a concussion and told me that i am not allowed to carry a gun, drive or work until Sunday. I am also not allowed to make any big decisions, like buy a house. (My boss told me to tell M to put off proposing till next week. HAHA!) I think M was pretty relived to know the reason i was being so odd.
I also got X-rays of my hand and head, to which we will know the results tomorrow. My hand is in a nifty splint that makes it so it does not hurt when i bump it or roll over in my sleep. The nurse thinks i make have fractured my zygomatic bone, which is the bone i would pick to get fractured if only so i could say zygomatic more often. it is one of my favorite words. She said i might get a black eye too.
My wrist still hurts the most. I guess that is why an EMT can not clear a spine when there is over riding pain any where else on a patient. all i thought about was my wrist, and not my head. i am lucky i did not get into an auto accident.
i went to bed super early tonight and woke up refreshed, but hurting all over at midnight. go figure!
and that is my story, for you.
btw~ M accepted a seasonal LEO job at .... ..... National Park!!!